Mortification

Admittedly I was wearing my cropped trapeze style jacket this morning (not very flattering), but I hadn’t realised that I looked so bad (read: fat) until a girl on the tube lent over to tap me on the arm and offer me her seat. I smiled, thanked her and refused whilst curling up with mortification inside. She clearly thought I was pregnant.

3 go mad in the Peaks

It’s been a while. And as you know, no news is not good news. I’m struggling – I am cycling when I can and doing my circuit (and no, Ish, I’m not fit – but sub in another vowel (‘a’) and you’re there!) but finding it very difficult still not to seek solace in chocolate. And being hungry doesn’t help.

But I had a nice weekend. Me, Beth and bf went up to Lesley-country to celebrate her 40th birthday with her. I have to say at this point that Lesley is clearly a big, fat fraud. Except she’s not big or fat! But I suspect her of fraudulence. She was positively glowing in a racy little halter-neck number and looked 34 if she was a day. The pub was heaving with her friends – this is one popular lady. Beth also looked sensational in the longest, skinniest, teeny black jeans, a flamenco style shirt and very saucy ankle boots. I looked dull in a cotton skirt and jumper. Sigh. I must learn that eating chocolate leads to nothing to wear to special occasions. And I have Naughty R’s wedding in May.

Beth, bf and I did a long walk on Saturday as an off-setting mitigation exercise for our intended cake-fest thereafter. And, okay, because we all like walking – and Lesley lives in the middle of the most gorgeous countryside.

It was coldish but sunny as we set out. But after a very fierce climb to the top of a ridge, the cloud gathered, the wind whipped up and Beth turned blue. Through 6 layers of clothing. You see? There are advantages to being fat and unfit – I was so hot I had to take my scarf off after the climb and gladly passed it over to Beth, along with my hood. She may have been a mountain-goat in her sprints up the hills but this tortoise won the race. Well, that’s not true but had Beth actually died of hypothermia, I’d have been able to nip past her. Although possibly not uphill as my legs were like jelly. As it was, by the time we’d found the car again in the gathering gloom and increasing rain, the tea shops were long since closed. We made up for it by detouring to one in a village in Nottinghamshire on our way home... I do reckon that me and my uber-ugly fleece trousers burnt a shed-load of calories – but I bet I was still in deficit.

I cycled in today in a further attempt to battle my many bulges. The wind was so sharp it made my ears and neck sting. It’s still a slog. It seems to work like fat – you have a small win, then time off where you slide back dramatically and then it takes ages and ages to get back to where you were. I have lost 3 of the 10lbs I put on on holiday 5 weeks ago. And my cycle rides still seem tougher and longer (ie I’m slower) than I was before I went. In fact, I seem to be back to where I was when I started six months ago – or maybe even slower. The only other days I can cycle this week are Thursday and Friday – and torrential rain is forecast for Friday (although they may yet change their minds). Circuit of hell is planned for tomorrow, Thursday and Friday – Beth lent me new (heavier) weights so I ought to be more effective. Still trying to eat my porridge (made with low fat soya milk and water, a tsp of honey and a dsp of toasted almond flakes) before I leave in the morning – which does mean having to have a second breakfast, hobbit-style, around 10am of some 2% Greek yoghurt with a tsp of honey. But I reduced my porridge from ½ cup of oats to 1/3 cup to compensate a bit. Then a 2 finger kitkat mid-morning, half a carton of soup with a small home-made roll spread with low fat Laughing Cow triangle, a piece of fruit and 4 walnuts for lunch, 12 peanut M&Ms and 2 satsumas mid afternoon and something like fish/meat with veg, a piece of fruit and a square of dark chocolate for dinner. I know there’s a lot of chocolate but I’m trying to convince myself I can have small quantities as long as it’s part of the calorie count, and that I don’t have to go mad and binge; it’s not an all or nothing thing. And I had been eating cereal bars which are the same calorie count but not as enjoyable – the Kitkat, M&Ms and square of chocolate all add up to 260 cals.

One step forward, six back

So, to update those stats:

Number of days I cycled last week = 4/3-4 (weekly goal)
Number of Circuit of Hell = 2/3 (that's two out of a planned three, not two thirds!) last week and 1/3 this week
Number of perfect dieting days = 0
Number of days without unscheduled chocolate = 1
Number of puddings declined = 1!
Number of work skirts I fit into (just) = 4 (because I bought a new one, not because I'm slimmer)
Number I look good in = 0

And having had a reasonable weekend on the food front, today I have simply gone mad on sugar. There was a massive pile of sweets and chocolates behind me today and I ate them all day. ALL DAY. Tomorrow I will have the shakes, I know this. And I dread to think about the quantity of calories I have consumed. Why? Well, greed and opportunity first and foremost. But I think there is this lurking sense of fatalism that whatever I do, I am sliding back towards obesity. I know this behaviour makes it more of a free-fall. This is a blip, I'm going to try and find that mojo. And they are chewy sweets, as well as the more earnest meaning! (My tongue was firmly in my cheek, Claire - it's always best to assume I'm being flippant!) Actually, I'm not sure I've ever met my mojo before; I may not recognise it even if I were to find it stuffed behind the sofa.

Today I was supposed to be meeting a friend after work so didn't cycle in. As it is, she was ill and had to cancel. This week looks impossible for cycling - tomorrow and Thursday are rainy and Wednesday I have the gas man coming and so have to get into the office as quickly as possible afterwards which does not include an hour's cycle ride and then a shower. I did manage to walk the 2-3 miles in today though, as well as my circuit chez nous. It's not looking like a good dieting week.

Circuit of Hell - it's my name for my little circuit, with an oblique reference to Dante, Ish. And indeed, Dante-ish. Mine consists of 15 box push ups, 20 secs of plank, 15 2 stage sit ups, 20 twisting sit ups (10 each side), 20 lunges (ditto), 20 tricep exercises with a stretchy band, then 4 sets of arm weights - not sure what they're all called, 15 palms down from by legs straight out to side, 15 bicep curls, 15 shoulder presses, 15 chest presses and 15 hammers (think that's what they're called). The weights are too light for the hammers and bicep curls but PhD Anti-fatter friend is lending me her heavier ones. I do this circuit twice and I try and do the two circuits three times a week. Last week I managed twice only. This week I must do better - especially with the paucity of cycling.

Wish I could lift the weight of my heart and get on with de-fatting. Not to mention the weight off my arse, belly, thighs etc etc etc

Vital stats

Number of days of cycling - 1 (with 3 being the aim if I manage tomorrow and Friday)
Number of Circuits of Hell - 1 (hoping to do it again tomorrow. Should do it 3x....)
Number of days of 'good' eating (aka dieting properly) - 0
Number of unplanned chocolate incidents yesterday - 4
Number of work skirts I can squeeze into - 3.5
Number I look good in - 0

It's not good. What's my mojo, Claire? Is it a chewy sweet? Because I'm up for that, sadly. And Ish, I'm so chubby that I probably would bounce - if I fell down.

Which is reassuring for cycling I guess. It was SO hard last night. My neck ached, my shoulders ached, my thighs ached, my lower back ached so badly I thought my period had decided to make its presence a weekly event. But I didn't mind the fact that it was dark - I'm so cautious anyway. I had today off but I'm back in the saddle tomorrow (assuming that it's not raining) and I'm going to try for Friday too. I guess I was fitter than I thought just before my holiday too(although not, as you'll note, slimmer).

I did have a sulky look on ebay for some size 'cough' 18s but there wasn't much and what was there was going for quite a bit. So I'm stuck with (and possibly stuck in) the larger end of my current wardrobe. I kind of feel that any cutting in of waistbands is a punishment I deserve - I know that sounds a bit self-flagellating but it's true. And there's also the issue that I can't bear to think that I need a larger size - I have to get down, not settle for going up or where does that trend end? Admittedly, this tactic doesn't seem to be working too well at the moment. I actually ate three bits of my chocolate orgy yesterday to 'clear it up' so I wouldn't be tempted now and would have a clean sheet (from today). Errrr, total calorie intake the same, chocolate doesn't increase in calories like interest on your credit card statement the longer you leave it.

Normal service will resume shortly

I cycled today. I couldn’t see from our flat’s windows that it was drizzling – we overlook a park and grass looks the same whether it’s dry or wet. I found out when I actually cycled out of the garages. Had I known, I don’t think I would have cycled – I don’t like the way that the rain makes the roads more skiddy, especially with all the fallen leaves at this time of the year. And I don’t like the way the drops cling to my cycle glasses, making the world dangerously blurry. The whole way in I was chuntering in my mind about this. And it was tough – I’ve not properly cycled for about 5-6 weeks what with the holiday and the being ill. But you just can’t knock the 1200+cals that it apparently burns.

Thank you everyone who commented – I still feel a bit sheepish and guilty that I dumped all that down. I’m very much of the ‘bottle it all up’ school. But I do appreciate your support; I think it makes me a very little stronger as I try to do the things that will make me less fat and resist the short term satisfaction of eating the ‘wrong’ thing. (Btw, I had been having The Big Purple One (giant Quality Street filled with caramel and hazelnuts) as my chocolate ‘treat’ as I love them – yesterday I found out that one has 189cals so that’s the end of that). I may even reluctantly look at a few size 18 clothes on ebay. But oh, I don’t want to go back there. Except I’m already there, in 18-land, just in 16 clothes, aren't I? And to think my 14s were all getting quite roomy last summer (as in 2008, not the one just gone). I could cry. I have cried. But now I have to get on my bike and DO something about it. And no, eating chocolate doesn’t count. If only my head could rule on this – always the feeling that it will make me feel better, that I deserve it wins. Even though I know that in the long run it will make me feel much, much worse.

Whirling blog (aka the whiny post)

I met up with my PhD friend on Thursday and we discussed blogging. I told her I hadn't blogged for a bit because - yes, I'd been busy - but mainly because I felt so down and didn't want to sound negative and miserable in case I annoyed people. "Why don't you give it a whirl anyway?" she said, reminding me that this is supposed primarily to be for me. And so I am.

Every day I get up feeling fat, and I squeeze into clothes that despite being the biggest in my wardrobe, don't really fit. I am wearing a knackered old bra because my usual lingerie is so tight that I have got scars where the sores formed at the sides of my breasts - and even this one occasionally stabs me uncomfortably. I worry about what to wear - all the time. I feel like a scruff - all the time. I am, in all truth, pretty scruffy anyway, but being dumpy and frumpy seems to exacerbate it. I feel like apologising for taking up space (in the world) - I try and remain inconspicuous in the background but that's harder when you're bigger. And the only thing that makes me feel better is eating something sweet or chocolatey. Just while I'm eating it of course, and then the guilt and the panic sets in that I'm not losing weight. And I'm trapped in this vicious circle and I feel too miserable, too low, too tired and too weak to fight my way out. And I don't know what to do to make myself feel better that doesn't have a calorie implication attached.

I did Circuit of Hell twice last week - and that's the most I managed to do to escape this state. I am still not well enough to cycle - this is not an excuse. I had 2 days of reasonable eating and then the stress cranked up at work and I mainlined sugar for 3 days. I've not been good this weekend either. The good choices I've made are heavily in the minority.

Last Wednesday I put on 4 things in a frantic rush to get out and two were missing buttons, the skirt had a badly ripped lining and the third top looked beyond awful. I went in a missing buttoned top which I safety pinned on - of course by the time I got to work, the button had gone. As had my gold and pearl necklace that I shoved into my bag to put on when I got there to try and look a bit more elegant. Bf bought me that necklace. I wanted to crawl under my desk and cry and cry. Instead I had to go to a function where I - honestly - looked like a bag lady and everyone else was dressed up. Then I shot back into the office to try and squish a day's work into 20 mins during which time I steadily ate Love hearts from the bucket on the desk behind me.

What do I do? Give in and buy bigger clothes? Or carry on squeezing into, looking awful and actually breaking my current wardrobe. Okay, pretty much everything I own is from ebay so wrecking it shouldn't be a disaster fianancially but it feels wretched. But then buying bigger stuff would feel like defeat.

And I can't talk about this - I can't articulate this even to people who I know would be sympathetic. I can't find the words and I'm afraid that if I said this aloud, I might start crying and never stop. I say a few things to my closest friends and pathetically I sort of hope that they might guess the rest - fill in the huge blanks I've left unsaid. And it's not fair to look for someone else to make this better, that's not their job.

The fear that grips me is that I can - very slowly and very painfully - lose a little weight, probably. Then I go away and it piles back on - worse then where I started. This means that the trajectory is up. Say I manage to lose weight now; at the rate I manage this, if I'm lucky, I will be back to where I was when I went on holiday by Christmas. This, you may remember, was half a stone heavier than Easter, a stone heavier than the end of LL and a stone and 10lbs heavier than my lightest ever. And just over a stone from that weight where I felt less panicky, less desparate about my weight and appearence. I was still overweight but I felt I could take my time, do it right, do it healthily - and if it were slow, I could live with that. But that's two stone away from here. Here is desparate and here is really miserable.

So sorry for quite probably being annoying, for definitely being negative and for definitely being whiny. I know there's a way out but I can't see that glimmer of light and hope from down here. Not yet. Soon, please.

Still lurgified

I am at home again today. I felt shivery, spaced out and hot and cold all of yesterday. It's annoying that the only time you have to do stuff is when you have a day off like this - but when you have a day off like this you can only listlessly move from sofa to bed and back again. I guess that's why I'm not at work! Otherwise it's called skiving....

On the food front I did well in the end yesterday. I had porridge with 4 walnut halves for breakfast, then I had some sweet sesame peanuts I brought back from Turkey (bad) and to make up for that, had no snacks all day (I'd usually have a cereal bar and some yoghurt)! I had half a carton of onion soup for lunch with a small homebaked wholemeal roll (about the size of a satsuma) with low fat cream cheese and 2 satsumas, then I had 2 figs drizzled with a tsp olive oil and a little more pomegranate sauce (again something I brought back from Turkey - it's like balsamic really) and 4 slices of parma ham and a mango. Another day like that (which is what I've planned) and I'm hoping that when I'm back in clothes that my bras at least won't cut in so much - it also gives the sores there a chance to heal up. But of course I'm not actually burning any calories as I'm not moving at all. I kind of feel I should do Circuit of Hell today but I'm not sure I'm up to it - we'll see.

Thanks for your well wishes!